Perception

I'm having a Skinny Day today, people. Glory Hallelujah!!!! These days are so few and far between that I felt I should document it before the feeling subsides. I think most people (or girls anyway) know exactly what I'm talking about, but in case there are some rare people who have nothing BUT skinny days and therefore cannot sympathize, I will explain.

In my experience, a Skinny Day (or whatever you want to call it) is a glorious, uncommon, incredible day where you just feel.....awesome. Confident. Beautiful. Thin. Happy. Your clothes fit the way you want them, you like your outfit, the small annoyances you have about yourself disappear....It's an amazing feeling. You feel like you can conquer the world!

It's also a really weird feeling. Partly because it can be so rare that you kinda forget it can happen, and also because you think, "Why was I so hard in myself yesterday?" and "Why can't I feel like this all the time?" I don't know why. All I know is that my self-confidence and self-image fluctuates all the time. 

That's not to say that I almost ALWAYS feel not confident or whatever. As I've grown up and become more comfortable in my own skin, the good days have become more frequent than bad. I still can't completely silence that voice in the back of my head saying that I just can't ever look like those other girls. Comparison is horrible, but we all do it. And the media lies to us constantly. Literally. Have you seen those videos about the reality of photo shop? Awful. NO ONE actually looks like that. Even the models. And I don't think the "fitspiration" on Pinterest helps one bit. I don't need to see frequent pictures of girls' abs and butts. Seriously. But I digress...

Anyway, this post isn't me fishing for compliments or whining about my looks. I just wanted to be honest because I think so often we feel the need to put on a facade that we have it all together. We never feel bad about ourselves, never feel overwhelmed or sad or lost. But we do. And trying to hide it just makes it worse some times. And it's exhausting. So all we can do is support each other, lift each other up and know that good days are ahead. Always. 

I don't know why today was so awesome.  I had the day off work, so that always helps. ; ) Maybe I was channeling some Veronica Mars amazing-ness from wearing my awesome new t-shirt. :D Truthfully, I have lost a little weight. One of the many benefits of being Vegan. ; ) But that doesn't account for feeling like a busted can of biscuits (my dads term) yesterday or last week but awesomely great today. Our personal perception is so weird. I don't know. I probably don't look much different from yesterday or last week. I just need to hold on to this feeling, knowing that THIS is what I really look like. Those other days, the bad days, are full of lies. Remember that. I know I sure need to. 

Photographic evidence for posterity. Gotta post it before I change my mind: 

          Slightly blurry bathroom selfie! 

Lost Between the Pages

I really need this t-shirt. But not in black.

My junior year of high school,  part way through the semester, I became the TA for one of my math teacher's classes. I don't remember the circumstances of how that happened, only that it did. I would grade quizzes and file stuff. Whatever. But one particular day, she didn't have anything for me to do. So I pulled out a book, which I always have with me and I still do to this day, and I read. For almost 2 hours. In high school, we only had 4 classes per day, alternating which classes each day. It made for VERY long class periods. But in this case, I was grateful. I was completely immersed in the story and with no distractions (I may have had headphones in so I wasn't bothered by the lesson that I didn't care about), I was in deep. I wasn't reading the words on the page, I was seeing it in my mind clear as can be. I remember that feeling, but oddly, I don't remember what book it was. I read over a hundred pages or so. And then I was jarred back to reality by a rude school bell. I closed my book, gathered my things, and flowed into the hallway with my fellow students. 

But then...I realized I didn't know where I was supposed to be going. No idea what my next class was. I didn't even recall what day of the week it was to know which set of classes I had that day. It was....strange. I was still so caught up in the world I had just been in. The one of which I was reading. My body was going through the motions of heading to another mundane class (which ever one it was), but my mind still resided with the characters on the page. It was bizarre. And it only lasted a minute or two. I did eventually remember what day it was, and the corresponding class my feet directed me to. But to this day, I still remember that feeling. That total sense of getting hopelessly lost between the pages. 

It hasn't happened since, that feeling of losing touch with reality so fully because of a book. But I do occasionally find a story that I can hardly bear to put down. One that I want to dive into fully, allow myself to be swallowed whole. I have to know what happens next. I have to get to the end, although  saying good bye to these characters I know will be painful. This it what non-readers don't understand. And it is why I don't understand those people who don't read. I need books. I crave them. I have too many and I still buy more. No regrets (except when I move). I just can't get enough.

I have found such a book as I described above. Half way through it in 24 hours. I can't help but devour it, although I try to tell myself to take it slow. It is "Every Day" by David Levithan. My first of his books, but certainly not my last. 

Here's a bit about it:

I wake up.

Immediately I have to figure out who I am. It’s not just the body—opening my eyes and discovering whether the skin on my arm is light or dark, whether my hair is long or short, whether I’m fat or thin, boy or girl, scarred or smooth. The body is the easiest thing to adjust to, if you’re used to waking up in a new one each morning. It’s the life, the context of the body, that can be hard to grasp.

Every day I am someone else. I am myself—I know I am myself—but I am also someone else.

It has always been like this.

Right? Check it out. You'll thank me later.